Sick but not broken

These next few paragraphs are just some things that have been jumbled around in my head for a while.

Sickness. All my life, I have never really gotten sick. Yeah, I've had a cold or two, but never an infection like this. Sickness is always physically fatiguing, but for the first time I was so sick that I was mentally fatigued. How did I get this way? During those hot nights, where I am sweating heavily and can't sleep, I have nothing better to do than think. I think about past, present, and future. I came to the realization of how big what I am doing really is. I realize the opportunity for monumental change is knocking on my door. As this realization comes to mind, so does the realization that I'm 18 and I'm barely out of high school. The doubt builds in my mind. So not only has this sickness taken a toll on my body, it took a toll on my mind.

The opportunity to plant seeds seems limitless. When I look on the lake and see house after house, I don't simply see homes. I see people. People that go about their day without any knowledge of who they truly are. People that are lost and in seek of hope. They are in seek of something more. Am I equipped for this? Am I ready for this task? Am I up to the challenge? What makes me think I have any business even being here? Honestly, it would be easier to just go home. Pack it up and call it quits. I could go home, forget Cambodia, and work on my own life. I could go to my family and friends. Indulging in the conveniency of modern Western comfort sounds pretty good. It sounds especially good while lying in bed feeling like I'm about to croak. I'd be lying if I told you all these things haven't crossed my mind from time to time. 

Deep down, in my heart, I know. It's not coincidence that I'm right here, right now. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss Arby's curly fries, movie theater popcorn, and the green hills of Tennessee. All that stuff is great. But I need to recognize where I am. I am a part of something so much bigger than what can be seen on the surface. Lives can be changed, including mine. I have embarked on a journey that could plot the course for the rest of my life. If I give up now, what pattern of choices will I set for my life? Will I quit with other things? My job. My marriage. My life. But if I endure, if I dismiss my doubt and push through, is that the pattern I will set for my life? If I stick it out and stand strong now, maybe this will set a precedent for my entire life. When I feel myself begin to stumble, I think about all those back home who believe in me. I constantly remind myself of all the people who gave money on the notion that I had something to share. I constantly remind myself of all the people who encourage me because they truly believe I can make a significant difference. Most importantly, I think about how my God has provided the way for me to be here. He has picked me up from this sickness and set me back on my feet. My God has come through for me and I have faith that he will continue to do so.

Thank you to all who have supported me and prayed for me. Your prayers and support are reaching me here in Asia. It helps more than you will ever know.